


Are you still there

by RoverKelevra



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Post-Rogue One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 03:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11728491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoverKelevra/pseuds/RoverKelevra
Summary: By the time Jyn realises her past is closing in around her it's already too late..





	Are you still there

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brynnmclean (ilfirin_estel)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilfirin_estel/gifts).



> Many many thanks to brynnmclean for encouraging me to have a go at writing and for beta reading this <3 thanks also to rapidashpatronus for the encouragement :-)
> 
> This is my first real attempt at writing fanfic so hopefully it is okay.  
> Rated as teen just to err on the side of caution.
> 
> Title is from Never Alone by BarlowGirl

“In here,” Cassian hisses as he tugs lightly on Jyn’s arm, guiding her through a door, letting her go to turn and close it behind them. She has a brief glimpse of a tiny store cupboard before they are plunged into darkness. 

Her breathing quickens and she begins to tremble, though she doesn’t notice it at first. When it does register it's already too late. 

_She’s eight years old and sitting in damp, miserable darkness waiting for a mother who’s never going to return. There’s no way to measure time. The slow drip of water off the rough walls seems endless, especially once the lantern stopped working. Her own tears dried up after she cried herself to sleep, but Lah'mu still weeps. The chill of the cave sinks deep into her bones until she barely notices how her shivering makes her ache. Her lip is beginning to scab over from where she bit deep into it trying to keep silent. She's certain she'll never taste anything but blood again._

Jyn crumples to the floor, gripping her crystal, its edges biting into her palm. Dimly, she is aware of Cassian suddenly crouching at her side, of his strong arms around her, of his quiet voice. But the darkness has sunk its claws into her and drags her deeper down into her memories.

_She’s sixteen years old and sitting in an old bunker, waiting for a father who’s never going to return. As night falls and darkness creeps in, she clutches her blaster in one hand and her crystal in the other. Her back is against the wall and her eyes fixed on where she knows the door is, ears straining to hear any sign of approach over the sound of rain running down the walls. Earlier, she had tried to get the lighting to work but there’s no power here and she dare not leave to find an alternative source of either light or power. Saw had ordered her to stay here and she knew the value of following orders. He had drilled it into her early on. She's a good soldier, Saw’s best, so she will stay here and endure the darkness and the sound of dripping that echoes around the dusty, dry room. She'll make her father proud._

The cave and the bunker meld into one, the trickle of rainfall all around her. She curls up tighter, hands desperately clutching onto crystal and blaster as she clenches her jaw against the shivers wracking her body. Her dry mouth is overwhelmed with the taste of blood.

“Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.” Cassian’s voice breaks its way into her prison and joins the echoes, along with a dull thumping, until the rain begins to fade into the background and she remembers where she is.

Jyn’s face is tucked into Cassian’s shoulder, her ear pressed against his chest. The thump of his heart becomes the only thing she can hear as it gradually drowns out the _drip drip drip_ of Lah'mu’s tears. Her eyes are shut tight in a vain attempt to shut out the memories.

It seems like it takes an eternity for the rain to stop and the trembling to fade as Cassian's heat sinks into her. For all Jyn can tell it could be a couple of minutes or it could be an hour, but her heart slows its pounding until it beats in time with his. Her right hand unclenches from his jacket. Her left hand relaxes around her crystal. Her eyes unscrunch. Her back and neck unfurl from the foetal position she had rolled herself into. Her breathing slows, easier now she’s not curled up tight. Everything is stiff and sore, has been the whole time, it’s just now she is both able to do something about it and more aware of it.

She takes a little more time to ground herself firmly, focusing on what she can feel, smell and hear.

Letting her senses tentatively reach out again, she becomes more aware of the way Cassian’s body is wrapped protectively around her. Before, in her panic, all she registered was him pulling her onto his lap and gripping her to his chest,cradling her head against him, and then the soft timbre of his voice as he whispered into her ear. Now she is conscious of how gently he holds her, so as not to trap her. He has wrapped himself around her like a protective cocoon, warm and soft and simply _there_.

Breathing in deeply, she fills her lungs with Cassian’s scent, holding it for just long enough to let it cleanse the last of the adrenaline from her system. She breathes him in, the smell easing her tense nerves.

Her eyes have relaxed enough to open them now but she keeps them closed. She knows she wouldn’t see anything anyway and she’s apprehensive to do anything that might send her plummeting back down into the cave. So she focuses on how their hearts beat in sync with one another, like they are one being. Jyn’s not so sure anymore that they’re not.

After a time she notices another sound, barely audible over the thudding. And she realises it’s not that she only just heard it, but that it's a lifeline that has been steadily lifting her out of the depths of the cave. Now it's bringing her back into the light she can begin to see it.

She lifts her head, turning her face towards his. Without his pulse overlaying it, Cassian’s soft notes become clearer. She can't understand the words, but the tune is slow and gentle like a lullaby.

_It’s beautiful._

Suddenly, she wants to know the meaning of the words and where he learnt the song. She wants to know what other songs he knows. She wants to hear him sing joyfully, with one of his rare smiles on his face. Not the smiles he wears for the benefit of others but a genuine one. The kind she spies teases of when she catches him staring at her sometimes, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards slightly.

The loud stomp of booted feet on the other side of the door startles her from her reverie. Fear briefly grips her heart with an icy fist again. Instinctively, both her and Cassian become completely silent and still, holding their breaths until the echoes of a stormtrooper patrol fade.

As one, they breathe a sigh of relief. She again releases her tight grip and forces herself to breathe evenly.

In the silence afterwards, Jyn becomes uncomfortably aware of how she is held in Cassian’s lap and just how intimate a position it is. His face is very close to hers. She can feel his warm breath caressing her skin, but that’s not responsible for the sudden warmth rising to her face. She is glad he can’t see how flushed she knows she must be, wonders if he can feel the heat coming off of her.

She tries to figure out how to untangle herself and stand up without it becoming awkward. Jumbled thoughts of other possible (and considerably more pleasant) scenarios involving the feeling of his breath mingling with hers flood her mind, hindering her attempts and scattering any thoughts or desires to escape his grasp.

As she shifts her weight to begin to stand, she _feels_ his breath catch. Jyn tries to subdue any thoughts of what effect her movement may be having on him and forces herself to abandon the promised safety of Cassian’s embrace. She tries to mask her startled reaction to his touch as he helps her stand before rising to his feet himself. He keeps contact with her all the while, as if to keep her grounded.

Jyn’s both glad for his lingering touch and hesitant to keep it, concerned for what implications it might hold. She's not ready to admit to herself how she may or may not feel about him, let alone ready to admit it to him. After a few moments of anxious indecisiveness, she forces herself to accept it for now, favouring keeping the memories at bay over any reluctance to let Cassian somehow feel her embarrassment.

“Jyn?” He speaks softly but it still makes her jump.

“I’m okay.” She’s impressed at how calm she sounds, though she winces slightly at how her painfully dry throat makes her voice raspy.

There’s a brief pause, and she can see in her mind the contemplative look that must be on Cassian’s face right now, the way the tip of his tongue darts out to wet his lips briefly. The heat suffusing her face intensifies and spreads down to her core. She shakes her head to try and clear it of the appealing image, chiding herself for letting the thought of Cassian's _tongue_ of all things distract her right now. Desperately she tries to gather her scattered thoughts, suppressing any that aren't relevant to their mission.

“Okay.” He squeezes her arm gently, reassuringly. “There should be a while before the next patrol. Let’s move.”

Jyn’s glad that he refrains from asking what happened, if she’s alright, if she’s able to continue. She’s flooded with relief that he still seemingly has faith in her ability to continue even after having just witnessed her have a breakdown over seemingly nothing. Yet he still keeps his hand on her even as she feels him shuffle to the door to listen, a light reassurance. She’s glad for his quiet and unassuming concern too. Stubbornly, she refuses to consider what that means right now. It can wait till later, when she's alone and clearer minded, with time to mull it over properly.

“Sounds clear,” Cassian says before carefully sliding the door open a crack to peer through it and check again. The sudden light on Jyn’s sore eyes burns the memories fresh into her mind again, blinding her temporarily. She sees Saw above the open hatch, reaching down to her. Then the memory morphs into the present: Cassian in the open doorway, one hand still lightly on her arm and the other reaching out for her as he leads her out.


End file.
